final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
