paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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