My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
