im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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