woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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