i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
