My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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