Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
