Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
