The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
