I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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