I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
