i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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