update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
