I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
