this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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