you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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