Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
