You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
