I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
