I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
