Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
