I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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