Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
All the doctor said was why
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
