I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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