Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
