he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
