i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
