i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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