I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
