How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
