he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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