Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
