I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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