Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
