marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
