There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I can feel your judgement through the phone
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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