I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
