My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She bit a glass in half.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
That's how pantless uber rides happen
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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