i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
