in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
