Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
