I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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