I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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