he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
