I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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