i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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