I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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