I think I won the penis lottery.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
