don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The police scanner is talking about you again....
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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