Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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