the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
