hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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