i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
