i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize