unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
