I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
