And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize