hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
