Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Randomize
