If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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