the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I met the friendliest cop last night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
